The Three Gifts To Do Love and Money With Another

We must have a reasonable level of self enquiry, curiosity and compassion before we create a generative and intimate relationship with another. 

Parts 1 to 3 of the Money & Love series are all about YOU. We have to know ourselves and get a grip on our own money stuff before we venture into the arena of love.

We can then own our stuff - knowing it is a lifetime journey of discovery - and from this base we enter into the relationship fully resourced with the knowledge that… 

“I'm an imperfect, weird freak just by the fact that I'm human and alive, and so are you. So let’s make this magical.”

"I understand that my money story and my relationship with money is going to impact the relationship that I go into and so is yours - so let’s together know what we are dealing with and together commit to creating an amazing outcome for us both."

Being prepared to reveal our weird and wonderfully messed up money stories we can wholeheartedly dive in and get on with the business of loving.

To do so there are three gifts you each need to bring to the arena of your love.

The #1 Gift To Bring Into Relationship

The most important gift you can give yourself and your partner is to be able to answer this question, hopefully, with a resounding yes. 

"Do I have my own back? Am I able to trust that I will stand for myself in all areas of life and not betray myself to get your approval, to appease you and to try and please you?" 

For most of us creating and maintaining the trust relationship with ourselves so we know we will always have our own back is continuous work. 

Just knowing that our intention is to not betray ourselves, and to be vigilant when we might do it and have the courage to correct those slip ups when they occur, is the most important thing.

I want to stress this because when it comes to money and love, we've learned to betray ourselves. 

We've learned to say yes to appease.

We’ve bought things or given money away so as to not be rejected or judged. We've betrayed ourselves to belong. 

We buy things (or perhaps don’t buy things) because we don't want to upset somebody. 

We go out with a group we want to fit in with and spend more money than you want on a meal or drinks.

We spend money we don’t have or don’t want to spend on gifting because we feel obligated or have a story that that is what it means to be a nice person.

Every time we do this we betray ourselves. 

Slow down, get curious, get honest and check in…

Do you have my own back? 

Can you trust yourself to stand for you in all areas of life and in this case, in your money world?
In a relationship, can you be trusted to not betray yourself? 

Can you trust you to not turn your own light down?

Can you trust yourself to not rescue the other and sacrifice yourself? 

Being able to trust ourselves with our own selves is fundamental to being able to be in a fully empowered, equal to equal, intimate, connected and generative relationship.

You Are Going To Mess Up

We are all going to slip up. 

There are many times we will self-betray. 

What matters is that you recognise when you self-betray in order to please or appease or to fit in or to want to rescue the other or because you fear rejection. What matters is that you find a way to come back into integrity with yourself. When you self-betray and don’t course correct, the only outcome is  resentment. 

Self betrayal will NEVER lead to love and it cannot lead to connection. 

The greatest gift we can give to each other is to take responsibility to look after ourselves. 

Meaning…

“I take responsibility to know what I want and to have the courage to stand for myself, to communicate my needs and to not betray myself.” 

Put Down The Stick

This enquiry is not an opportunity for more self abuse. 

"I’m a mess, I can't be trusted to go into a relationship." 

With this self-awareness you can and should share your self knowledge with your partner letting them know …

 "I have a tendency to do this or to do that in a relationship / with my money stuff… This is what I am doing about it and would you be willing to help me by also being aware of this and letting me know when I am slipping into this old pattern." 

And with your revelation ask them where they are likely to betray themselves and how you can best support them in having their own back. 

Gift #2 - I Apprentice Myself To You

Gift number two is to say,

 “I want to apprentice myself to you, I want to understand your desires, your wants and your needs.  You'll apprentice yourself to me and get to know my desires, my hopes, my needs.”

Only when we know these things about ourselves and the other can we explore what we want together. 

We celebrate the overlaps and we get curious about the difference. 

It is where we have different desires and wants and needs that we need to pay attention and remember gift #1. 

When you know what these areas of difference are you then explore what you are each willing to do in support of the other getting their desires, needs and wants met without betraying yourself. 

This is how you co-create an amazing relationship. 

Gift #3 - Financial Fidelity

We have spoken at length about the bedrock of intimate empowered relationships being able to trust each other and trust that we won’t betray ourselves. We each have to know we have our own back and we have to know that the other has their own back. 

We need to heal our attachment wounds. We need to get coaching, therapy, whatever it is to feel safer with ourselves and to know that we are not just going to say yes or no out of pleasing or appeasing patterns. We need to know that the other person will do that too. 

Built on that bedrock is the next layer of trust - financial fidelity.

When we enter into financial agreements we have to know that we can trust each other to honour and uphold these agreements. 

All we can offer the other is our word and then through our actions reinforce the trustworthiness. If we betray this trust it's very, very hard to have a wholehearted vulnerability and connection relationship.

This betrayal is financial infidelity.

Lying about what you earn, what you’ve spent money on, having secret stashes of cash and so forth do not create trust and connection.

As in all things it starts with our relationship with ourselves. Are you in integrity with yourself? Do you trust yourself to do what you say you will?

Then ask yourself if you are in your relationship with complete integrity? 

Can your partner trust you with your agreements and can you trust them? 

If you cannot trust yourself or your partner you must come clean and find a way to understand the root of the mistrust and deal with it.

If you feel you have to lie because you can’t trust the other, you need to have a long hard look at why you are choosing to be in a relationship where you have to betray yourself to be safe.

With these three gifts in hand, head over to Part 5 and get clear on what sort of relationship you are creating.

“Take the Money and Love masterclass to expand your intimacy and your wealth”