Great Relationships Are Created

Love is a verb. 

Wealthy is a verb.

Having a thriving, intimate, connected and wealthy relationship with money serving and supporting you is something you create - it doesn’t just happen. 

Great Relationships Are Created

Another devastating BS story about love and relationships is that if it is true love then all this stuff should be easy, all of these things should just happen effortlessly and there should be no friction or conflict. 

If it’s meant to be…

… Our values will be aligned. All our wants, and goals, and needs will match. It will all magically just be wonderful and easy.

Nope - that's just a copout . 

We have to let go of these stories and know that great relationships are created. 

Of course we want alignment of our values and visions to form a starting foundation - but the rest we create.

💓 Great relationships are created by being able to and having the courage to have empowered conversations where we can trust each other to show up fully resourced.

💓 Great relationships are created where we know we're each going to have our own backs and that we won’t betray ourselves.

💓 Great relationships are created on a foundation of trust, knowing we will navigate our differences and find win/win solutions and stick to our agreements. 

Create creative collaboration, hold the intention for the highest win for you both.  Never accept a solution where one or the other is going to lose. 

Have Regular Money Dates

Set up regular money dates to make money and your financial wellbeing is a normalised part of your life. 

In The Wealth Chef book I go into detail how to have successful money dates, the things to cover in each and a set of money date activity schedules to help guide you.

Schedule those money dates, have an agenda, know what you're going to discuss around each of the money flow quadrants. 

The inflows, the outflows - how your money management system is working out. Investing and any debt that needs to be blitzed.

Talk about financial protection and your ongoing money mindset. 

Some months you can focus on one area in more detail or bring in  theme.

For example once a year you can do ‘Design your Wealthy life” together and plan your next year's adventures and spending.
Every three months update your balance sheet and look at your investing.

Review your relationship agreements and your financial freedom vision. 

If you have a specific topic that you want to raise, tell the other person beforehand. Make your list of questions. Let them gather their set of questions.

Nobody likes to be hijacked. 

Remember to use data to provide accurate information to support your discussions and enquiries. Don’t speculate or guess.

If one person says, "I really want to buy that new house or go on that holiday," you can bring out the spend plan and your actual spend tracking information and work together to see how it could be done and if that desire aligns to your bigger financial vision.

Have these conversations in bite size chunks.

Try not to do too much all at once and don't engage when you're triggered.

If you are getting triggered whilst having a conversation, if you feel your adrenaline kick in or you pulling back and shutting down or you start feeling attacked or nervous or anxious … STOP the conversation.

Say.. “hey, I’m starting to feel triggered and I can’t be fully here. So I’m going to take a break so when we resume I won't bring my wounds and hurt into the arena with us.
If you also start going into any blaming, shaming, defending or retreating behaviour - pull out .

If you start stonewalling, not wanting to reveal something - pull out.

But tell your partner what’s happening. "Hey, I need to take a time out and once I'm settled we're going to come back in."

No financial hijacking. No stonewalling. No self betrayal

If there's an important financial topic to be had in a relationship, don't do it as your partners are running out the door in the morning to work or with the kids (or both) or they're exhausted at the end of a big workout or stressed. This is often when somebody will suddenly just throw something into the relational arena and then wonder why the person's like, "Whoa, hang on, I've just been sideswiped or hijacked." 

Set yourself up for the best outcome and remember to have fun. 

Schedule something fun to do with your money date. Give yourselves a reward for showing up for your wealth and each other.

Top and tail your money dates with appreciation and gratitude shares. Plan an outing you both love to do afterward. Do something that makes you feel joyful and connected. Stack these joy filled experiences to your money date so you start associating money stuff with play and fun and joy. 

Create a Financial Integrity Framework

Have you seen those “this is how we work” statements companies have that describe the behaviour the team aspires to demonstrate and live by?

Your relationship should also have a “This Is How We Love” statement.

I call it your financial integrity framework and it spells out how you will relate with each other. 

What's okay and what's not okay? 

What do you do and what don't you do? 

Regarding kids, what are your agreements and principles around money? When it comes to family or partners or somebody wanting to borrow money or needing financial assistance - how are you going to deal with these things? 

Do some scenario planning and role playing long before it happens.

“How will we deal with this situation?”

Have these conversations before they happen so you don't try to deal with them in the heat of the moment when one or both of you may already be triggered or charged. 

How To have Empowered Conversations In Service Of Love

The most important thing you need to do is to learn how to have safe and empowered money conversations and to create a framework and habit of having these conversations regularly. 

You never want to only have money conversations when things are already sensitive or triggered.
Great relationships preempt challenging situations and practise making agreements, making amends, and negotiating when you're not charged.

Most people unfortunately only have money conversations when something charged comes up and so it becomes anchored as a stressful thing or something to be avoided. 

In this powerful masterclass my relationship coach Ernest Morrow shares a powerful 4 part “Tough Conversation Framework” with my Wealth Builder Club. I called it the Freedom Cake Empowered Conversation Framework - because when you use this framework to have empowered, intimate conversations in your relationship you will be amazed by the freedom it creates and just “what a piece of cake” it seems.

The Only Thing That Is Certain Is Change

Your relationship will not stay static and neither should your agreements.

You don't come to this saying… "Okay, this is the way it's going to be from now until eternity." 

You need to keep communicating. New issues and areas of connection will arise. 

You're going to shift in your values, your roles, your preferences. 

As your financial freedom grows, new opportunities (and challenges) will come along. 

You need to have a practice of communicating, staying curious and adjusting your frameworks to continue to be in service of love. 

Also be careful of complacency and assuming you know the other person. These are dangerous waters for every relationship and very rocky ground for love.

Part 12: Money And Kids And Life’s Obligations we look at how to navigate life’s wider obligations and impacts. 

You are not an island and neither is your relationship. Other relationships, kids and life in general will impact you and your money stuff.