Unravelling the Financial Ties that Bind: Black Tax, Sandwich Generations and Other Generational Financial Dysfunction and Burdens

Let’s dive  into a topic that hits home for many of us - the financial burdens that bind and break families.

"Black Tax" 

“The Sandwich Generation”

These are implied financial obligations we take on due to: 

• Others people poor financial planning and money management and our discomfort in letting them struggle;
• Patterns we learned from our parents;
• Implied duty and obligation; 
• A kind of success punishment for having one's own finances sorted to appease the guilt of having when others don’t ; 
• Co-dependency and keeping someone bound to us financially

There are many reasons we take on financial obligations that are not ours, and in many cases not healthy for us or our financial wellbeing. Let's explore why we do this crazy self abusing stuff and see how we can break free from this financial tangle.

In this great interview with Ndumi Hadebe - author of the book - Handle Black Tax Like a Pro: Setting Boundaries, Improving Relationships and Achieving Freedom

Ndumi and I discuss how black tax, the sandwich generation, parents funding adult kids and the like are not so much about money as it is about boundaries. 

Explicit and unspoken expectations of financial assistance by parents, siblings and other relatives carry a mental and emotional price, affecting our relationships with our loved ones and with money itself. 

Helping others is commendable, but not when it comes from a disempowered place.
Helping others and hurting ourselves is self abuse.

How do you help others financially in a way that avoids you going into debt, stops the intergenerational cycles of poverty and money dysfunction and instead takes you to financial abundance and then from that place enables you to sustainably help lift others up?

The Sticky Web of Intergenerational Financial Dysfunction

These financial ties that bind us can create a messy web of dysfunction, and it's tough to wriggle out of it. It's like passing the baton in a never-ending relay race. A race to stay in poverty and money misery forever. The burden gets handed down from one generation to the next, and it feels like we're running in circles.

The thing is, these expectations of financial responsibility often weigh heavily on our hearts. It's like a mix of duty and guilt that keeps us from setting those much-needed boundaries. And guess what happens? 

The cycle of financial struggle and shame just keeps on rollin'.

Breaking Free - Getting in the Driver's Seat

How do we loosen those ties and reclaim our financial freedom?

It's time to get in the driver's seat of our financial journey!

YOUR FINANCIAL FREEDOM FIRST!

First off, we have to recognize our own worthiness and know that we are the only ones responsible for our own financial wellbeing.

Yep, you heard me right! 

You have to put on your oxygen mask first before helping others. That includes your kids and your elderly parents!
You have a right and a responsibility to be financially secure and to be building your financial foundations for your own financial freedom.

The greatest gift you can give another is for them to know you will NEVER be a financial burden on them. Not your kids, not your parents., noth your siblings or your niblings! 

That is your most important duty you have to those you love. 

You are taking care of you,

 so they won’t have to.

BOUNDARIES DARLING, BOUNDARIES!

Next up, boundaries, my friends!
This is such an overused term yet it is so important.

Boundaries are the distance at which 

I can love both you and me! 

Setting limits on our financial obligations is essential. 

Sure, we want to support our loved ones, but we can't forget about our own financial security let alone our dreams and goals. It's all about finding that balance.

If contributing in this way is important to you, make this a part of your spend plan. Allocate some of your Day-to-Day Necessity allowance or your contribution allowance to this sort of giving. Set a monthly limit and enjoy spending it. But don’t go beyond this edge.

 
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Check out this article on “Wealth Pie: The Most Powerful Money Management System”  to learn how to set your money pot allocations. 

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Setting boundaries is about us honouring ourselves and protecting ourselves from ourselves as much as from others. You must set a boundary for yourself on how much you are prepared to give in this particular way, knowing what is healthy for you - and then you have to stick to it.

If you have spent your monthly “black tax / sandwich generation” allowance - then you have to say  “No, I have used up my giving budget this month already - good luck - I am sure you will find a healthy way to sort out your financial challenge”

MONEY TALK

Communication is key. Make talking about money a safe and clean topic. Talk to your family about your financial goals and limitations. Openness can be a game-changer, trust me.
Openness and honesty.

NO IS A FULL SENTENCE

And remember “NO” is a full sentence. 

Stop feeling you have to justify why you are not going to abuse yourself!
If you are asked for money and it is a no, then just say NO! 

And then shut up! 

Notice a tendency to feel you have to give long explanations about why you can’t. 

Doing this means you will have to sit in the discomfort that arises.

All self betrayal comes from us not being prepared 

to sit in the discomfort of our own emotions.

Take a few deep breaths, remind yourself you have your own back and notice..  If you do, you will be rewarded with gold dust. Gold dust of self awareness. Sit in this stew of your own discomfort and listen to your emotions and self talk. See and feel where you are not yet free. You will hear the voices of shaming and judgement. The voices of  your greatest fears. Fears that people won’t think you are “nice”, “good” - maybe they will think you are “greedy”, “selfish”.

 
Sit and let those pass through you and remind yourself that your worthiness does not come from trying to please and appease and perform in order to be accepted.

 
GET SUPPORT

You don't have to bear it all on your own. Get a coach, find a great therapist, find a support group  - head over to The Wealth Chef facebook community and share your journey. 

Just make sure you are discerning about who you have money conversations with - make sure they are people who are doing their own work too. 

BE BRAVE

Be the one to break the bonds of intergenerational financial dysfuntion

If any of these dysfunctional patterns are playing out in your life - decide..

… it ends with me! 

Cut those ties that bind us and start building a healthier financial future.

I also recommend this great article and video on “Why Lending Money To Family And Friends Is NEVER A Good Idea” 

Embrace your worthiness, set those boundaries, communicate openly, sit in your own discomfort and grow from it, collaborate, and don't shy away from seeking help.